Unapologetically Me Read online

  “Lead the way…” She nodded as gazed upon my now semi-empty home. “Shall we eat before I explain the levels?”

  Just as I was about to answer, my stomach dramatically growled. “Well, I suppose that was the answer.”

  We both laughed and plopped on the couch. It was different to have a girlfriend hanging out in my house, on my very uppity couch, eating pizza in pajamas. It was very surreal and very nice. We chatted about the pizza and my house. She asked about Hank and the break up, and before long, the topic of silence came up again.

  “Yes, the four levels of silence. I’ll start with the bad ones first. Level Four is the worst, that’s the level of silence where nothing else can be heard. It is so loud that you wish for any sort of noise to break it. Then there is Level Three, the kind of silence that allows you to notice the aloneness that you feel. The kind that doesn’t require you to actually be alone, just to feel it. Then it moves into the good silences. Level Two is where you realize there is silence around you and you are okay with it, even welcoming of it. And lastly, Level One is the kind of silence inside of you that is peaceful.”

  “I believe I am currently back to Level Four, although I must have spent years at Level Three with Hank. I cannot imagine a time when I was aware of being at Level Two or One.”

  “I hope that is your goal.” Amber smiled.

  “It is now. I am okay right now. I know I will be okay in the long run. Even more than okay. I just have to learn who I am. For ten years, I was Hank’s Owlynn, and now I need to learn who is my Owlynn.”

  “I think I may join you on that journey. I am always game for an adventure. You said you need a hobby, and I need to find new things that are fun. Let’s make a list of things you’ve never done before and start trying to cross items off the list.”

  “I think that sounds fun. How about we work on our lists, and by Friday, we share our lists with each other and try to come up with ones we can do together or share ideas that neither of us even thought of.”

  “Sounds perfect.” She didn’t take long to respond.

  I felt a flicker of hope deep inside me for the first time in two days.

  CHAPTER 4

  y the time Friday had arrived, I had list of things I was excited to try. I couldn’t wait for my shift to be over so I

  could share it with Amber. Two days ago, I met her friends, Bannon and Lydia. Both were very welcoming of me and seemed to be worth getting to know more. I had been guarded with whom I opened up to in the society of Hank’s friends, but these two both seemed more genuine. I listened during the lunch about their fun times and appre‐ ciated the honest banter. I spoke on occasion but didn’t really relate much to their interests. I was hoping that would change with the list.

  “Are you excited?” Light dances in Amber's eyes, and she was almost bouncing.

  Busy filling the order of a pretentious customer, making sure to add the exact count of vanilla caramel, I answered quickly. “Why do you ask?

  “Well, you are almost bouncing around.”

  “I can’t wait to share my list with you. Do you and the girls want to come over tonight? We can share the lists, and order Chinese.” I tried not to sound too hopeful.

  “I’ll send them a text on my break.”

  The bell above the door signaled that another customer had

  entered. I glanced up quickly and recognized the person in the door. She looked nervous and stood as if she might catch some disease just by entering the café. I watched as she scanned the crowd. She was looking around and seemed to settle once she laid her eyes on me. I felt a need to straighten up, to square my shoulders while I leveled my gaze on her. She looked pleased to see me, which took me back a bit.

  “Owlynn.” She smiled timidly, as if she were afraid I might yell again. “Hank said you were working here. I hope I’m not intruding.”

  “Can I help you?” I tried to be friendly. It wasn’t her fault for the position I was in.

  “Do you have a moment?” She looked at me and then at Amber.

  “I have a break coming up. Do you want some coffee while you wait?”

  “Yes, please. Cappuccino.”

  “I’ll bring it to you. Grab us a table.” I was quick to make her drink, avoiding Amber’s questioning looks as I did.

  “Are you okay to break with her?” she asked, stepping in front of me so that I would have to respond directly to her.

  I felt grateful for her worried look. “Yes, Harriet is harmless.”

  “Well, then finish her coffee and make yourself one, too, you can take your break earlier. Just please tell me you’ll promise to enlighten me more later.”

  “Promise.” I grinned.

  Setting down the drinks, I took the seat opposite Harriet. She had chosen a table toward the back that would allow us some privacy. He nervousness hadn’t dissipated any by the time I sat down. I was unsure if it was because of the way I behaved the last time I was with her or because she had to come to the coffee shop itself. I took time arranging myself in the seat, just to allow her the time to find her composure before I sought out why she was here.

  “Harriet, how can I help you?”

  “Well, you see, I came to apologize for my behavior toward you at lunch the other day. And for telling Beau about it. I think I was just in shock. I didn’t know how to react. You are a dear friend, Owlynn.

  Please don’t cut me off now.” She struggled to hold back the tears that were spilling over her lashes.

  “Harriet, I am not the same Owlynn. I predict that I will continue to change into someone neither of us knows. I can give you the chance to prove true friendship to me. I would like that a lot actually, but I need to know that you’re not going to run to Beau every time I do something that you think is out of character, because honestly, I do not know what will be out of character anymore.”

  “I can agree to that with absolute certainty. While Beau and Hank are best friends, I will let you know that Beau thinks Hank is wrong. This new girl is not up to standard, and she is nothing close to being you. Can I ask what your plans are for when you get off work?” She looked hopeful.

  Her words surprised me. I had always assumed Beau was more like Hank, just not as much in public. It made me feel better to know that others might not agree with Hank, either.

  “I have plans this evening. The girls and I are spending the evening making a list of things for me to try. I think they’ve made lists as well. I need to learn who I am without Hank, for me. That means doing things that I’ve been told were not good enough. I was shaped by Hank, as I said at lunch, but I need to know if I like something for me, not because someone has told me I like it or not.”

  “Beau is out of town this weekend for a conference, would it be too much to ask for an invite for myself?”

  I laughed. “Oh, Harriet, you do surprise me. I think, if you can promise that you will not be uppity, you can come by. Everyone is coming over this evening, probably in pajamas, and we are planning to order Chinese food.”

  “It sounds fun, to be honest. Although, I don’t know if I have paja‐ mas. I may have to go purchase some for this evening. Can I make a list?”

  Again, I laughed. She was continuing to surprise me, and I hoped that I had not made a friend of a spy. I nodded in agreement and spent the last few minutes of my break finishing my coffee. We said good‐ bye, and. I was met by a curious Amber, who was behind the counter.

  “So?”

  “She came to apologize. She asked if she could join us tonight. I am hopeful, but I have some fear that I may have allowed a spy into our circle. I must tell you, I am looking forward to Harriet and Lydia being in the same room, though.” I laughed.

  Amber’s eyes twinkled with mischief as she laughed. “Owl, I do believe you may have a dark side in you.”

  “The cookies lured me,” I responded.

  Amber cackled and disappeared into the break room, leaving me to fend for myself.

  The afternoon passed quickly. After her break, Amber confirmed that Bannon and Lydia would be joining us. I had held parties at my house before, but they were tea parties or planning parties for events for Hank’s company. Having girls over in such a relaxed manner sounded fun.

  “Have you had a slumber party before, like when you were a teenager?” Amber asked.

  “No. My grandmother raised me, and she didn’t see much need for all the noise that comes with teenage girls.” I grinned. “I suppose, though, if we finish too late, you can all just crash. I have the room for you all.”

  “I should say so.” Amber’s eyes widened, and she feigned being impressed like she was the first night she came by.

  “Whatever.” Rolling my eyes, I felt excited about the idea of having a slumber party. “Already, you are introducing me to new things.”

  “Good, everyone should have a chance to try everything, at least once.”

  It was my turn to be shocked. “Surely not everything.”

  I mimicked her earlier look and widened my eyes, causing us both to fall into a fit of giggles. Somewhere in the midst of the laughter, I realized I hadn’t thought about Hank, except for Harriet’s visit, for most of the day. It was a nice thought, and I could feel a sliver of excitement starting to form. When the second-shift girls came in, Amber and I were quick to pack and leave.

  “I’ll see you in about an hour.” I waved to Amber as I got into my car.

  On the drive home, I rolled the windows down. It was another thing Hank would have frowned upon. Statements about how my hair would be a mess or how we would smell of the outside if the windows were down ran through my mind. All I could focus on was how the wind felt in my hair and how free I felt in that moment.

  CHAPTER 5

  e had decided we would go over the lists
after we had eaten, but the food was running behind. So we sat in

  my living room, discussing the absurdity of their interest in the size of my house. Harriet was on time, as usual, but this time she came sans makeup, hair up in a bun, and in her newly purchased pajamas. Had I not known her before, I would have guessed she was just another one of Amber’s friends. She looked timid, but the girls welcomed her warmly. Only Amber knew who she was, and she wasn’t one to tell secrets.

  Bannon was beginning to get hangry. “My stomach is getting very angry at the delivery boy. Your house is literally right in town, there’s no way he could have gotten lost.”

  “Should we call them back and cancel the order? We can call for pizza.” Amber asked.

  Just before Lydia could answer, the doorbell rang. Five very hungry women jumped and scrambled over each other to answer it. There, on the other side of the door, was a very frightened young guy staring at five hungry women reaching for the bags of food. Even Harriet was reaching toward him. He handed the bags to us slowly

  while stepping away. I paid him as the others took the food into the kitchen to sort. Even though he was late, I tipped him extra to cover for the scare he received. They had the table set up and separated our food before I made it back to the kitchen. Lydia was already seated at the table, legs crossed, stuffing her face. She grinned and made no apologies.

  “Owlynn said that you all were making lists to share tonight, to try new things. I didn’t get the full story, and now I’m worried my list might not be the same as yours,” Harriet said between bites of food.

  “Well, Owl and I were talking about her ex and all the things she’s never done. I had suggested she make a list of things she’d like to try in hopes we might find her a hobby. She had said before the break up, she was busy with events and such, and now she didn’t know what to do with her time. I told her I would make a list, too, for us to compare. Then I shared the idea with Bannon and Lydia,” Amber answered.

  “If your list is different Harriet, don’t be worried. I am betting my list will be different, too. And I have no doubts that Lydia’s list will have an item or two that will be shocking.” Bannon smirked.

  “I resent that. I’m sure there will be more than two items.”

  Lydia’s comment caused an outburst of laughter. She was unlike anyone I knew, and I was growing to love her quickly. She was daring, and didn’t seem to care at all what anyone thought of her. I didn’t know her well enough to know yet, to know if it was true or just an act, but either way, I was hoping I would one day reach that ability. I could already feel tension leaving my body with the loss of fear of what each of my words, movements, and actions would be thought of by Hank.

  “Well, I must say I am super excited that Owlynn has invited me. This has been the most fun I have had, probably ever.” Harriet smiled.

  “Do you want to start sharing lists now?” Lydia’s eyes danced with excitement.

  “I supposed there’s no reason to wait. Who wants to start?”

  “I believe, I will.” Lydia made quite a show of pulling her list out of her pocket in her hoodie.

  “We might regret this soon.” Bannon laughed.

  The banter was quick, and I was truly enjoying myself. I scanned over to see Harriet looking more relaxed and younger than I remem‐ bered. She was just a year or two older than I, but she was in the same society I was recently freed from. She had appropriate actions to complete, certain clothes to wear, and she still had to watch words when not in the current group of people.

  “Are you ready?” Bannon asked Lydia.

  “Shall I stand?” Lydia teased, and Amber coughed harshly.

  She read her list, exaggerating the reading as if she was making a royal announcement. She was very entertaining to watch.

  “Item one, get a tattoo. Item two, sky diving. Item three, attend a rodeo…”

  “A rodeo?” Bannon and Amber asked simultaneously, both howling at the prospect.

  “Cowboys…” Her one-word response seemed to appease them both. “Can I continue now?”

  Harriet wiped the tears from her eyes as she answered, “Please…” “Item four, cut my hair short and dye it a loud color, maybe purple.

  Item five, drink coffee on top of the water tower in town.”

  “Oh, I’m adding that one to my list.” I shouted, almost causing Bannon and Harriet to jump.

  “I think we should all add that to our lists.” Harriet nodded. “Maybe we can plan to do it together.”

  “I think that sounds wonderful. Do you have more Lydia?” Amber asked.

  “Just one more. Item six, pierce something other than my ears.” “I have that one.” Harriet said sheepishly.

  “What would you pierce, Harriet? Lydia?” Amber asked.

  “I think I want to get my nose pierced,” Lydia stated firmly. “I’m not really sure what I want,” Harriet admitted.

  “I think I might add that to my list as well.” I smiled at Harriet. “Another thing we can all go together. Even if Amber and Bannon don’t want to pierce anything.”

  “I’ll go next.” Bannon pulled out a sticky note. “To be fair, I was raised by a rather hippie-ish type mother, and so I have usually gone and tried whatever I wished, so my list is short. I want to attend a gala of some sort, and I want to look into art classes.”

  “I have art classes on my list,” I said. “Harriet, your turn.” Amber clapped.

  “I’ll start with the prior stated one, piercing something other than my ears. I want to try a new hair color, which I think my husband might approve of, I hope.” She was timid when looking around to see if there were any faces judges her. She appeared to grow in confidence when she found none.

  “I would also like to take a cooking class and an art class. There’s job opening as a veterinary assistant in town, it doesn’t require any experience, and I think I would like to work. The last thing on my list was to make new friends. I hope that I might mark that off soon.” She smiled.

  “I think those are all attainable, and soon,” Bannon agreed.

  “Amber, you have to go next. We will leave our host as last.” Lydia toasted with her paper cup.

  “I have a rather short list myself. More because I don’t know what I want to try. I was hoping to get ideas from you all, as I have. The first item on my list is to go on a hot-air balloon ride, sing karaoke at an open mic night, do speed dating, and visit some place new at least once a week, even if it’s just somewhere here in town.”

  “Speed dating is on my list now.” Bannon laughed as she wrote it on her sticky-note.

  “Now, for the host of honor.” Harriet raised her glass and toasted as if we were in a gala. “Also, Bannon, I can help with the gala atten‐ dance. I head one every October, and so next month you can come as my guest. Actually, you all can if you want.”

  “Oooh! That sounds fun. We can all get pretty dresses.” Bannon was almost bouncing.

  “My list is sadly short,” I began, “but only because, like Amber, I am unsure. I want to go dancing, I want to try art classes, and pottery

  classes, and photography. I would love to get a pet, and add the piercing to my list. Finally, I think I might open a business.”

  “Yes!” Harriet clapped loudly. “Oh, Owlynn, I definitely think that’s a great idea. And maybe one of us will find a hobby that will be a good business to begin.”

  “This has been such as fun night. How about we do it like maybe once a month?” I asked, finishing the last of my food.

  “I agree, but we must see each other more than once a month. Maybe other nights we can start marking off items from our lists,” Harriet suggested.

  “Good idea. Now, do you all want to crash here tonight? I have more than enough rooms for each of you, or we can go into the living room and find something to watch.” I tried not to sound too excited.

  “Actually…” Lydia’s eyes sparkled and gave away that she was having an idea. . “Why don’t we get coffees and go sneak up the tower… tonight.” “Think we can do it without getting caught?” Amber’s face